Movie Reviews #22: Problems. Lots of Problems.
Okay, let's get something off the table. I have had a difficult time with movie reviews since I started this blog back in '08. Here's my problems:
(1) They take freaking forever to write. I'll admit to you that most Retrospace posts take around 30 minutes to put together. I've been writing them nearly every day for four years, so I've got it down to a science. Movie reviews, for some reason, take a goddamn lifetime. By the time I'm done with it, I feel like I've written a doctorate dissertation and I never want to see the movie again.
(2) I have such low brow tastes in films that you end up getting an overly long essay on movies like Screwballs and Count Yorga. The type of people that like Screwballs (myself included) are not the type who want to read an in-depth analysis of the film. And I don't like critically acclaimed, highly regarded films that would warrant a detailed study. I'll leave that to serious movie critics; meanwhile I'll be watching Cannonball Run II.
(3) I don't think I'm particularly good at writing them. I tend to bore myself with the scene by scene transcription. In a review of the Gore Gore Girls I tried to write like Henry James (famed author of The Bostonians and Turn of the Screw) in a desperate attempt to keep myself interested. Needless to say, it was a failure. In a review of Hardbodies, I actually tried to review in the voice of an evolutionary biologist! Good God, you've got to give me points for trying!
In a final act of desperation, I started the "Gilligan's Instant Queue" posts. In these posts (of which there are only three), I decided to give short reviews via a silly set of ratings criteria ("badassitude", "frightiousness", "disturbulence", etc.) For once, the posts didn't take hours to write, and I actually had fun doing them. Even better, you readers seemed to like them.
However, I'm not happy with the lame ratings system, and I hate that I have to limit myself to Instant movies. Yet, I feel like I've finally got a handle on how to put together a movie review...
(1) It's got to be super short. I'll leave the long thought-out reviews to the movie blogs.
(2) It's got to have lots of eye candy (i.e. screen captures). I enjoy making them, and my pathetic attention span wanes when there's not lots of images.
and (3)..... well, I thought I'd leave that to you. Please flood me with suggestions. What would you like to see in a review (bearing in mind that I stand firm on points 1 and 2)? What information would you like to get from a "review"? Trivia? Notable nudity? A short synopsis?
Give me a hand here, folks. The last thing we want is for another movie review in the voice of Henry James.