The Retrospace Guide to a Happy Thanksgiving

(image source)

I'm all about family togetherness, so the last thing I want to do is sound like the Thanksgiving grinch. However, Turkey Day has never been one of my favorite holidays.  I want to like it, but at the end of the day I'm always stressed, bloated, bitter and suffering from a tension headache. It's nothing like the old advertisements...

I think the biggest problem is the expectations.  Know what you're getting into.  It's not going to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.  Quite the contrary. Sure, it's remotely possible you may be one of the lucky ones who has a Little House on the Prairie Thanksgiving each and every year, but for 99.999% of America the holiday mainly consists of uncomfortable moments and severe indigestion.  But as long as you don't have unrealistic expectations going in, you might have a good time after all.  So, let's take stock.

1. The Macy's Parade will become intolerable quickly. The Garfield balloon will not impress you.

2. The family gathering will be punctuated by awkward silences and uncomfortable comments.

3. At least one child will mortify their parents; this could very well be you this year, so be prepared.

4. Even if you are not on a diet, you will feel guilty and self conscious about how much you ate.

5. The bloated feeling will cause you to become irritable and drowsy; a bad combination when fraternizing with judgmental relatives who are also edgy.

Once you accept these facts, you are on your way to having a somewhat bearable or relatively pleasant Thanksgiving!

Read on to peruse through a small gallery of vintage "Ladies of Thanksgiving". Hopefully, it will add a little cheer to the holiday. Enjoy! 

Pre Code Nastiness

It's a common misconception that popular media has always been tamer and much less explicit than it is today. In many ways, movies, advertising, magazines, novels and comic books could be every bit as ribald and offensive as they are today (if not more so).

(1950)

Anyway, I was paging through some old pre-code gems and was bitch slapped by some downright sadistic comic panels, generally involving horrific violence against women.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given the fact that this was prior to the 1954 crackdown, when comics were spayed and neutered. Nonetheless, I was both amused and disturbed by some of these pre-code classics.

Sally the Sleuth, 1940

Surprisingly, I find the crime/adventure comics a lot more extreme than the horror ones. The horror comics like Tales from the Crypt and Vault of Horror would often have a gruesome panel or two - maybe a shrunken head or someone getting wacked with an axe. However, the crime and adventure comics seem much more mean spirited. They were the ones that graphically showed murder each and every week, often with a sado-masochistic twist. Ironically, it was the horror comics that got the spotlight when the shit hit the fan in 1954.

1947

I thought I'd share a few of the particularly nasty ones from these crime/adventure comics. Get ready for some mean spirited debauchery from the era of The Great Depression, WWII and post war America. It's probably safe for work.... but your co-workers may think you're a sociopath. Enjoy!

Hey, Isn't That...? #4: The Partridge Family

I was watching The Partridge Family with my daughter the other day when I noticed not one, but TWO Charlie's Angels appearing briefly on the show. In one episode Jaclyn Smith plays a girl the Partridge kids mistake for a mistress.  They inform their mother (Shirley Jones) that her man is two-timing her.... only to find out that Jacqueline is the dude's niece.  Sounds like a Three's Company episode!

"The Sound of Money" episode is among my favorites because it tells a touching story of a bitter old bachelor (played by Harry Morgan of Dragnet and M*A*S*H) who learns to love with the help of the charming Partridge kids..... but mostly I like it because of Farrah.

Retro FAIL #8

Oh, my God.

This is an ad from a 1913 issue of The Saturday Evening Post. Maybe you've seen it- this is something I've scanned myself, but it may be floating around on the internet somewhere else.  I nearly choked on my bagel when I first laid eyes on this.  It is just so wrong on so many different levels.

"Papa says it won't hurt us" is actually written on the kid's shirt. Are you kidding me? She's playing with her little doll and a loaded revolver in bed. A revolver that it specifically says will "shoot straight and kill". What's the matter, they didn't have any razors or broken glass for her to play with?

I understand they were more comfortable with firearms back then, but did they let toddlers play with handguns?  Good Lord.

Legsploitation

In an article at printmag.com, design artist and critic, Steven Heller, claims that the cutoff-torso-spread-leg framing device is possibly the most frequently copied trope ever used. In fact, Heller calls it a "design virus"; one that persists to this day. He names it the "A-Frame".

Take a brief glimpse through old movie posters, books, records, comics, magazines, etc. and you'll find this device used over and over again. As I was compiling the gallery at the end of this post, it really did start to resemble a virus; one that's decades old. There's been other so-called design viruses (the polka dot design virus of the 60's, for example), but none so consistent and long term.

As usual, I couldn't leave well enough alone, and had to start dissecting the reasons why this is so prevalent.

According to one source, "a woman’s legs in the A-frame position usually connote domination and empowerment over a puddle of males, and lots and lots of sex". Sounds reasonable enough - you don't have to think too hard to arrive at the conclusion that a close-up of a faceless woman's legs, spread apart, must have some sexual connotation.

image source

Read on if you'd like to check out a gallery of the "A Frame" and other images that come close.  This being Retrospace, these are all vintage pictures; however, you can find just as many contemporary examples quite easily.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

According to Technorati's Report on the Blogosphere last month, less than 10 percent of bloggers are sports bloggers.  I find this rather odd considering that 48 percent of Americans say they are sports fans.  Plus blogging should fit like a glove for sports enthusiasts since they typically like to make their opinions known and will look for any forum to do so. What gives? Personally, I enjoy watching sports. So, let me get a few things out of my system before I attempt to figure out the answer to this question.

Retrospace Gives the Bird to Spammers

Well, folks, you can thank spammers for having to use that pain-in-ass word verification every time you want to leave a comment. I've been deleting ridiculous comment spam for months, but it's just getting out of hand and taking up a lot of time.  Who the hell are these spammers? I mean, what kind of business model uses spam as a marketing plan? Has it ever actually happened that someone notices spam in the comment section, is desperately curious about where this link might lead and actually clicked on it? EVER? Has this ever actually happened?

And if by chance you accidentally click it, who the hell is going to purchase something from them? Is their clever plot contingent upon ensaring porn addicts who will lay down credit card numbers the minute they lay eyes on their lousy porno website? It all reminds me of when my computer was overtaken by a virus last year.  No matter what I clicked after a Google search, it directed me to various idiotic ads. Gee, that really made me want to try their products. A helpful tip to up-and-coming businesses: forcibly taking customers to an advertiser against their will is not a good marketing strategy.

To all you spamming douche bags, this bird's for you.